I know I’ve been away for a few months, and it feels like it’s been forever. Life has thrown some changes my way. I mistakenly assumed that once my memoir, Tales Told Over Ouzo, was released, all my childhood trauma would miraculously heal, my creative writing would flow, and life would be grand. But that’s not how it works.
After the memoir was released and my assumptions didn’t come true, my mood took a nosedive. I was moody, depressed, and anxious. I questioned whether releasing the memoir was the right decision. I even debated taking it down. My husband, my knight in shining armor, reminded me how much I pushed to get that book out. He recalled the emotional turmoil I endured revisiting those memories, and even deeper wounds I hadn’t realized I had. Immersing myself in these unpleasant memories took the joy out of writing for me.
Writing and Releasing the Memoir
Writing has always been my escape—a place where creativity thrived and I could make anything happen. But writing the memoir was different. It wasn’t creative; it was a recounting of painful times. Publishing the book and getting it out there was a great release, but it wasn’t enough. I needed to do more.
My husband convinced me that releasing the memoir was the right thing to do. It not only helped me release some burdens but also, as I stated in the book, aimed to help others in similar situations. It took me 30 years to recognize how toxic my family was. The book is still out there, and I’ve received positive feedback, even from extended family members who acknowledged the toxic dynamics. It was validating to hear, “I see you, I saw it then, and I also experienced this. You’re not alone, and this helped.”
Despite the positive feedback, my creative writing stalled. With numerous ideas and projects in process, I froze. Somehow, I needed to find my joy again in writing and in life. Now, I’m taking steps to rediscover that joy, starting with having fun.
The Importance of Energy
I am a big believer in energy. Talking with my therapist, I noticed something was missing in terms of my energy. I lacked balance. Exploring this further, I realized I lacked feminine energy in my life. Once both a tomboy and a girly girl, my masculine and feminine energies had been subdued, leaving me in a weird grey/neutral state. Revisiting a meditation retreat I attended last year, I discovered a few things about myself.
Through the study of Reiki, meditation, and the chakras, I learned that the orange chakra (sacral) deals with creativity, femininity, and sexual power. The yellow chakra (solar plexus) is associated with the sun, sense of self-worth, confidence, and masculine energy. Guided meditations at the retreat revealed major blockages and a disconnect in these areas. But the universe has a funny and magical way of working.
One day, scrolling through Instagram just before that retreat started, I stumbled upon Nicky Clinch. Through her newsletter, I discovered her podcast, “The Infinite Potential of Being Human.” Listening to it blew my mind. She talks about mind-body maturation, a new concept to me. Many see psychology and spirituality as opposing, but I see them as complementary: psychology focuses on the brain, spirituality on the soul, both relating to the body.
Nicky Clinch’s podcast introduced me to the concepts of the mother wound and the father wound. She explained the difference between “mother” with a lowercase “m” and “Mother” with an uppercase “M.” Our first relationship is with our mother in the womb. If the mother is nervous, hesitant, or upset, these emotions hold energy and pass on to the baby. In addition, I started listening to podcasts featuring neuroscientists (School of Greatness by Lewis Howes and Diary of a CEO with Steven Bartlett) who discussed how trauma and stress leave an imprint on our DNA… DNA that’s passed down from generation to generation. This idea aligned with my own experiences.
Despite the positive feedback, I found myself stalled in my writing. With numerous ideas and projects on hold, I froze. Somehow, I needed to find my joy again in writing and in life. Now, I’m taking steps to rediscover that joy, starting with having fun.
Eliza Fabricius
Writing, Energy, and Relationships
Knowing what I know now about how my mother felt about me (and if you’ve read my memoir, you know why), it wasn’t a great relationship. I was unwanted because I was a girl. She blamed me for her weight gain, for stealing her youth and beauty, and for many other things. Nicky Clinch talks about how our initial relationship with our mother manifests in various ways throughout our lives—not just in relationships with others, as I had seen with past boyfriends who spoke down to me, but also in our relationships with money and food. This was a new perspective for me, and it was work I needed to do to reclaim my creativity and my writing.
I know it sounds a bit far-fetched, but stay with me here.
As I delved deeper, I realized my thoughts around food and money—which I believed to be healthy—mirrored the same issues. Due to my narcissistic mother and my emotionally unavailable father, I had unresolved wounds. I always thought I had a good relationship with my father, but reflecting on it, he was emotionally absent. Working night shifts, I only saw him on weekends. He never yelled or hit us, but he wasn’t there emotionally or psychologically to support us, just like our mother. So, I concluded that I have both a mother wound and a father wound, impacting my relationships with people, money, food, and even myself.
At this point in my life, I have healed many things. But as I listened to this podcast during the meditation retreat and engaged in shadow work, probing questions surfaced about my fear of success, procrastination, and other internal struggles.
Forgiveness is a Secret Weapon Often Overlooked
During one meditation session, I decided to revisit all my past relationships, even brief encounters or interests that never developed. My plan was to forgive the other party and then myself. But how does one forgive oneself? It’s a tricky concept that I thought I understood, but the retreat deepened my comprehension.
In one meditation, I didn’t just imagine the other party; I envisioned myself at that time. How old was I? Was I a student or working? What was my hair color? (I change it often.) What did I believe then? Where was I living? These questions helped me form a clear picture of my younger self. I looked at her and said, “I’m sorry.” I began to choke up and cry. I said, “I am sorry that you felt the need to bend and break yourself to fit into a mold you never belonged in, just to feel worthy of love. I forgive you then, and I forgive myself now. We were doing the best we could and the best we knew how to succeed and survive.”
This was a game changer.
I said, “I am sorry that you felt the need to bend and break yourself to fit into a mold you never belonged in, just to feel worthy of love. I forgive you then, and I forgive myself now. We were doing the best we could and the best we knew how to succeed and survive.”
Eliza Fabricius
I moved from romantic relationships to friends, colleagues, and family members, and you know what? I’m still not done. I began digging up certain memories and arguments that have stayed with me all these years. Keep in mind that when you start studying this stuff, it becomes apparent that even things you don’t remember because you were too young still hold tension in your body. To address this, I began doing somatic yoga and breathwork to release any tension and trapped emotions.
I know that sounds like a lot, but I was tired of hurting and wanted to heal. I am committed to being the best version of myself…
Losing and Rediscovering Myself
As I continue this work, I’m not sure what else will surface, but I know that these things tend to come up naturally during meditation. When you quiet your mind and stay still, things emerge, and you need to accept them and let them go.
Doing all of this over the past few months has helped me find my way back to my creativity. I’m still not fully there yet, but I am much more relaxed and accepting of who I am. And I’m back to finding joy and having fun with my writing.
I feel much more like myself. Reflecting on my previous job where I worked for ten years with a U.S. defense contractor, I realized I repressed a lot of who I was. As one of the few females on the waterfront and one of the very few with a four-year college degree, I was often seen as a threat. Many of the men didn’t like me, and I couldn’t always figure out why. For some, it was because I wouldn’t sleep with them. My husband pointed out that young men often don’t like being shown their limits. He said I demonstrated that I didn’t belong there, that I could leave whenever I wanted and go places, which threatened them.
This perspective helped me understand why the younger men gave me more grief, while older men didn’t. Maturity likely also played a factor.
To survive on the waterfront for six years and then in IT for an additional four, I had to suppress a lot of who I was. The young woman who wore four-inch heels, skirts, makeup, had her nails done, wore nice jewelry, etc. I had to become one of the ‘bros’ to survive. I stopped wearing makeup (to further avoid harassment and being viewed as an object to ‘be pretty’) and wore men’s jeans (because the pockets were big enough to hold tools).
Suppressing Yourself is Suppressing Your Writing
Talking to my therapist, she agreed that I had to hide my true self to survive. This process of rediscovering and accepting my authentic self has been challenging but essential for my healing and writing journeys.
The young woman who wore four-inch heels, skirts, makeup, had her nails done, wore nice jewelry… I had to become one of the ‘bros’ to survive. I stopped wearing makeup (to further avoid harassment and being viewed as an object to ‘be pretty’) and wore men’s jeans (because the pockets were big enough to hold tools).
Eliza Fabricius
I lived in my steel-toe boots, often working seven days a week. I couldn’t wear jewelry because I was an electrician—metal conducts electricity. As a mechanic, jewelry was also a hazard; we often heard stories of men losing fingers because their wedding rings got caught in machinery. I had to cover up who I was to avoid being sexually harassed and to stay safe on the job.
I had to talk like the boys: “Yo, Yo, Yo.” That higher education I had—I had to suppress it because many of them didn’t understand my vocabulary and criticized me for it. When I transitioned to IT, the workplace was safer, but American society still felt restrictive. If I appeared feminine, I was seen as weak and submissive, which I am not. But appearing too masculine was also frowned upon. There was no winning.
Rediscovering Freedom
I never felt free in America, and I tell this to people all the time now that I don’t live there anymore. In Europe, I feel completely free to be myself. I’m in a healthy relationship with a man who is emotionally available and psychologically supportive. He’s not afraid to show when he is sad; he’s not afraid to show tears. His openness allows me the safety to be open as well, to be feminine but strong, and to not be judged for knowing how to work a wrench.
In the two years since I’ve been in Europe, the freedom, safety, and transformation have helped me embrace who I am. It has provided a space for me to heal. If you’re struggling with creative expression, you might need a change of scenery to a place where you can flourish and be yourself.
I have returned to being who I feel I’m meant to be, but an even more mature and wise version. I’ve gone back to wearing my crystals and embracing the cyberpunk, witchy vibe I’ve always loved. I still embrace the practical, masculine side of me that prefers black and gray clothing—I still don’t wear dresses, and I’ve never really liked them. But I’ve found a healthy balance with my energy, thanks to being in the right environment to do so.
In the two years since I’ve been in Europe, the freedom, safety, and transformation have helped me embrace who I am. It has provided a space for me to heal. If you’re struggling with creative expression, you might need a change of scenery to a place where you can flourish and be yourself.
Eliza Fabricius
Continuing with Reflection and Energy Exploration
Because of this, as I continue to get in touch with these energies and dig deeper into what it means to be me and what it means to be a human being, I am far more relaxed and less stressed. This post may be long and perhaps a bit too spiritual for some, but I’m going to keep moving forward by forgiving past versions of myself for making mistakes and doing dumb things. At the time, it was the smartest thing I knew how to do. Growing up, I was never forgiven—always criticized and judged by a perfectionist parent.
Reflecting on my memoir, one thing I have yet to do is envision my mother and father as little children, hugging and forgiving them. They must have been in so much pain due to their upbringing and generation—a generation without therapy or open discussions about mental health, one that suppressed so much.
That is all the reflection I have for you today. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below or wherever you found this post (LinkedIn or Instagram). If you’d like updates as soon as possible, sign up for my mailing list below. Subscribers are always the first to know anything!
Thank you for reading.
-Eliza
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