Sitting down to write this post right now is hard, but necessary. It’s been a little over a year since I updated this blog. I burned out while creating it and part of me feels like I’m quickly headed down that path again. I know that burnout has become sort of a buzzword lately, but I promise I’m not using it lightly. Today I’m running on two hours of sleep, have a calendar full of meetings, and feel like I’m going a little crazy. I’ve been progressively getting more irritable, moody, and cynical the past few weeks. This is burnout.
It creeps up on you like a silent stalker then pounces on its prey. And while it seems to happen quickly, I’m not sure I’ve ever come out of it. I say I’ve been in and out of burnout for over a decade, but I don’t think I truly ever got out. I don’t think I ever fully recovered from my childhood traumas. And when I’m down in this moody hole, I don’t see that any amount of therapy or journaling or novel writing will get me out alive.
Let’s Rewind…
Last year at this time we were, as a globe, a year into a pandemic with no real end in sight. In my mind it’s already over despite knowing people who are currently infected. But at that time, I was still working from home full-time (yay!) in a job I fucking hated, for a company that I still abhor today. I’m glad I’m out. My burnout stemmed from that.
As I was developing this website, I was working with four different projects in my day job, each at their own level of “behind schedule” with their own dysfunctional teams, business partners, program managers, etc. I was desperate for a way out… as I had always been in that job.
I worked in that company for ten miserable years. People who have never experienced that feeling of being stuck will never understand why I didn’t “just leave.” But I think some of you out there reading this know the feeling. But last year was somehow different. Last year it was time to really spread my wings and fly away.
Flying Away…Literally
Leaving a job is one of those things that’s easier said than done. Despite how much I fucking hated it, the process of submitting applications and cover letters, attending several rounds of interviews (sometimes during the workday but having to hide it so your toxic company doesn’t know you’re looking elsewhere) is daunting and an exhausting process.
I was doing all of that while attending Caitlin Pyle’s Proofread Anywhere Course (I passed!) as well as another writing course by author Ryan Goins. And as soon as the travel restrictions lifted, I was off, flying back and forth to family in Germany, planning my great escape from the United States of America.
Needless to say, I took on too much at once and endeavors like my blog suffered. I had to find new ways to keep the pen moving on the page (or the fingers on the keyboard) so that I could make baby steps toward my goals. I couldn’t just stop altogether. Not even for a much needed break and that is one of my biggest character flaws. I don’t take breaks. Or at least I’m not good at it.
Sure, I took a break from the blog, but I never truly shut off. If I’m not writing, I’m thinking about writing, or a plot issue, or a piece of dialogue. It consumes me. And half the problem is that I don’t want to shut off.
So, if you’re wondering where I’ve been for the past year, I’ve been…
…applying for over 80 jobs
…going through 3-5 rounds of interviews
…getting rid of most of my belongings to make moving overseas easier
…obtaining the SPC Certification for work
…obtaining the base Kanban Certification for work
…starting a new job
…learning a new language and culture
…filing and submitting paperwork for my Visa and other necessary documentation
…getting my German driver’s license
…writing the rough draft for two different novels
…traveling to Berlin, Germany, Warsaw, Poland, and Sofia, Bulgaria for work
…exploring my new surroundings
…moving by flying back and forth and carrying almost everything in luggage (#minimalism)
…focusing more on my health
…trying to release past work trauma and emotional issues
…spending time with my family
And yet, when I look at this list I tell myself that I’m not doing enough. I’m still trying to publish those two novels this year, continue my language learning, start a solid workout routine, and hopefully take a week vacation on the beaches of Bornholm, Denmark.
If you’ve made it this far and are still reading, I want you to take away this one thing—don’t be me. Give yourself a break. Do the thing that I’m really bad at because while I feel better now that I’ve written this, I still have a long way to go.
Stay safe out there!
-Eliza
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